7/9/11

There are many mornings when I have just-before-dawn nightmares. They are thoughts - indecision- about things that go on in my real waking life, that flood my unconscious during the light sleep just before waking. I drift in and out from like 4:30 - 6:30 am and I hate it.
I start my day like a never ending yesterday. I don't get to feel the dawning of a new day when these morning nightmares occur. I feel empty and hopeless. Kinda sad. Sometimes I cry.
I question if I am bipolar and need medication. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling listening to the birds welcome the day and convincing myself of all that I have is much more than what I don't.
But how did I get myself here? No house or car of my own, both borrowed, a stipend job with no security, and an empty bank account. No person to love. Not even a pet. Alone.
I get out of bed, make a cup of rose tulsi tea, and go outside. It's a beautiful day. Clear blue skies in a forested valley. Not a bad place to be at all. My day will consist of working in the garden (which is growing pretty successfully I must say).
I am healthy and have family and dear friends less than two hours away. I have people who truly love me. It's summer and things are alive and happening all around. Ture reasons why I wish I felt blessed more often or at least wouldn't have to convince myself that my life is not a failure and I am not a big fat loser.
Bad decision making is only valid in retrospect. I think I weigh options pretty well when it comes to making life changing decisions. I thought I was choosing what was best, but I definitely don't feel that way. Will I ever learn to be happy or always just want more? I guess it just a blance between the two.