2/10/12

2/10/12

Though I've had boyfriends, i haven't really been on too many dates, or 'dated' anyone for that matter. We meet, there are fireworks, and I spend every day for the next however long (usually a year and a half) until we get sick of each other. I know, unhealthy.

I have especially never had a date on the biggest date day of them all, Valentine's Day. I fact, it usually turns out to be the opposite. No dinner, no chocolates. Not even a flower picked form the neighbor's yard. Valentine's Day has been synonymous with the hoping for the smallest of appreciations for love, coupled with disaster.

OK. Once a chef boyfriend of mine prepared a V Day special served at his restaurant who's title escapes me, but was the letters in 'I love you Karin' rearranged to spell something else. Aw. I still have the menu.

This year I have a 'date'. It's planned for Tuesday, not sure if it's coincidentally Valentine's Day or his plan. Either way it's hilarious and sweet. From a third party perspective, it reeks of desperation, but not from here. What really ever looks good on paper?

My date is with the guy who pumps my gas down the street. 37, form Afghanistan, easy on the eyes, works seven days a week, and adores my fro. The night of the full moon he told me that I was his moon. I make his day when I need fuel. He actually told me to only put in $5 at a time so I'd have to come back daily. Ridiculous, but gas station cute.

Best part about this date is that we'll eat kabobs and rice from his uncle's joint in town at his gas station because he'll still be working. I'm truly not interested in having any relations beyond friendship with my Persian speaking fuel friend (I could honestly use more friends), but he thinks I'm the jam and who doesn't love a flood of positive attention and showers of compliments?

At the very least I am staying wide and clear away from relationships with dudes who fail when it comes to showing appreciation or very much at all in the area of graciousness.

I think I'll bring him a cactus for his shop window. That was he can't kill it and always be reminded of me. Heeyah.

2/4/12

2/4/12

Remember life without cell phones? I do because i live it. After feeding the communications monster with contracts for 6 years, I went prepaid. The phone just became too much of a big deal... newer tech phones, high bills... Or I'd lose it. Once I even left my phone in the yard with sprinklers on all night. It became a responsibility that just didn't seem worth it. I figure mobile phones just aren't for me.

My first cell phone was on a family and friends plan given to me by my friends who were tired of not being able to reach me all the time. I was a late cellular bloomer. I resisted and for good reason. I couldn't see the benefit of always being available. The best thing about a cell phone back in the age of flip-phones, was being able to order food for pick up on the way home from work. Golden. Everything else could wait until I got home. Right?

I recently found myself in the same shameful situation again, friends and family tired of my always-out-of-reachness. Except there are no longer phones at home for most. So I made it a priority to step back into the new millennium and got myself and Android. It does everything I want. Pictures, email,3G, wifi, GPS, music and that cute lil green droid always on my screen. I love it.

Thank you for the motivation.

1/28/12

1/28/12

I used to cater my job choice around my misread self-perception that I was a work loner; that I would be more successful doing a job by myself, than with help. It wasn't so difficult a task, being a gardener, the outdoors is my office. Outside of lifting heavy things and second opinions, most work can be accomplished solo with the right tools. Time is usually not of the essence.

I think I had difficulty dealing with others. I lacked patience and was pretty bullheaded when it came to people's ignorance. Now I'd like to think I've grown to be a more accepting and versatile when it come to working with others. It's not so bad (...as long as they keep their hands out of my work, literally. And the person telling me what to do isn't an idiot. I guess I still need to work on it).

There will always be dumb people and now I use them and their idiotic ideas as reference. To remind myself of someone I no longer am or some place I am not at.

1/30/12

1/30/12

I work in retail. At a nursery, but I work in the 'front of the house'. I work the register, deal with customers, and stock the shelves. I like to compare myself to Andy Kaufman working as a busboy for humility and to keep laughing at life. Though I am extremely overqualified I do get paid decent. It's local and family run. It's also quality stuff and I get a sweet discount. Seeing that my biggest addiction is plants, it works out well.

Speaking of plant addiction, I want to know everything about them. There are far too many to become personally acquainted with in my lifetime, but I get satisfaction, knowledge, and joy from working in whatever plant situations I have not experienced yet. I'd enjoy working at a compost farm, just because I haven't. I've pruned Christmas trees and apples in the winter. Neither once is really any fun for very long, but now I now each type of tree, it's growth habit, and it's nature as a result. We're now friends!

I've changed employment many times over the years, going from one plant job to the next because I know there's always a new botanical challenge and tackling them only gives me a more diverse understanding and love of them. And plants are healing. No matter how you work with them it's meditative and giving back.

For now my meditation incorporates price guns and credit card machines. Merchandising. I don't get to touch and interact with plants as much as those who work in the back, in the grow houses (in fact that's all they do). But I do get to water and groom the jungle plants and cacti which for now is enough relief between stocking and dusting the fertilizers and pesticides.

1/27/12

1/27/12

I feel like I have a serious amount of experience.

Like I have been places, met people, and done things a notch or two beyond the 'average' American. I have taken risks and pushed the envelope just to see that I could accomplish it... or get away with it (or not get caught by authorities at least).

After years I have remained free from incarceration, serious bodily injury, and death. Now I am not claiming to be a dare devil or to take risks like a spy or something. I'm not even necessarily comparing myself to anyone but my former self, or what I thought my former self to be.

I know I have experience because I continue to crave the opportunity for a challenge. It's not really the challenge as much as it is the reward and feeling of success. Triumph. Mission accomplished. Proving silly rules wrong.

I think there are cocktails of chemicals... neurotransmitters... hormones... that are released whenever a situation calls for their remedying. You know, the feel goods that your body secretes, dopamine, serotonin, maybe with a bit of adrenaline and cortisol? Your bodies defense against the pain of scary shit about to happen.

I'm pretty sure that if you were to be devoured by sharks, your body would be looking out for you and give you a serious blast of everything it had to possible to make being eaten alive as least painful as possible.

Adrenaline junkies may be a common name given to those craving the high risk, but I'm not jumping out of planes. There have got to be varying degrees of risk takers. It all comes down to what is considered risk; and who's doing the considering.

Risks involving police and the law are common to most. Risks in relationships or with emotion are another complicated hairy beast. The cops aren't going to arrest anyone for misery, betrayal, or dishonesty.

These risks are paid for with your soul. Risks of thyself, taken by giving too much. Investing what you do not have, poorly. As with most risks, there is redemption with time.

Yet I think these risks in relationships release similar cocktails to those excreted when defying death; gambling with your life, physically. Like base jumping, just in much lower concentrations.

The potent cocktail may be best, released when actually in action, mostly adrenaline. But the time-released cocktail seeped to your mind whenever you look back at your accomplishment, is priceless.

1/26/12

During a time which I shall describe as punctuated with new crisis, I discovered my love for stories. I realized I liked to read; in fact, I love to read.

I attack it like you would an addiction. I spend as much of my free time doing it and I can't get enough. I read many books who's title and/or author's name I cannot remember and likely never knew. It really made no difference, I was tearing up 3 books a week and needed to feed the literacy monster I had awakened.

I was definitely encouraged as a kid. Much more than most of my chosen peers. I was taught that there was freedom in knowledge and the more you knew, the more prepared you'd be for life. Experience is the true teacher, but reading sets the path for learning. It's the inspiration. The seed. Yet, I was still not a bookworm.

Since my reading awakening I have made an honorable attempt at figuring out what type of writing excites me without reading every book I come across to see if it's 'good'. Once I start a book I for some reason feel obligated to finish it. Even if I'm bored to death I'm sure to find one revelation-inspiring stretch of words somewhere in the book. (Black Swan by N. Taleb comes to mind...)

At first I noticed the books I enjoyed centered around making me feel inspired, strong. Books that gave me hope and made me to 'be all I could be'; validation. Stories who's characters were faced with problems seemingly aligned with mine. Stories of heartbreak and failure followed by perseverance and triumph. The everyday hero winning the battle within themselves.

Stories do take you somewhere else. You can dream vicariously through them. You can find advice and encouragement along with regret and shame. You can dream possibilities and solutions; and close the door on the past.

I do love Michael Pollan and Barbara Kingsolver and their creative non-fiction. Fantastic at story-telling life, though they are a bit nerdy-tame.

I have recently been exposed to Richard Marcinko aka Demo Dick via my older brother.

(I usually acquire reading material by suggestion. Most top readers' lists are full of stuff I have no interest in and leave me with too many options, yet dead-ended. Maybe I'm looking at the wrong reviews... suggestions?)

Back to Marcinko. Best known as Commander of SEAL Teams 2 & 6. A full-throttle, bad-ass military man with clear vision, extreme honor, and titanium balls. A potty-mouthed, beer drinking, killing machine. I love him.

The baddest of the bad boys and the books her writes are not based on characters of imaginary reverence, they are based on real people who did insanely brave, calculated, dedicated, and bull-strength work in their lives for their country. Cherry on top, he's a fantastic writer.

I have read the infamous 'Rogue Warrior' and just finished 'Red Cell' this morning. I am thankful he has a dozen or so more. His writing reaffirms my conscious and morals. It feeds my warrior spirit and makes me proud to be an American.

1/15/12

1/15/12

Taurus
April 20 - May 20

Greek 'tauros' - the bull

- persistent, steadfast

- excels at work because of the importance of method and order

-wonderful sense of humor; uses it to be the center of attention

- not aggressive, but stubborn and self-indulgent

- loyal, faithful friend

- sensuous and amorous lover

- fond of music

Constellation - Taurus the Bull
Zodiac - Bull
Known as - The Builder
Ruling Planet - Venus; planet of art, procreation, and indulgence

Quality - Fixed; association with stability and strength

Element - Earth
Greatest Compatibility - Virgo, Capricorn
Partnerships/Marriage - Scorpio

Day - Friday
Color - green, orange, yellow; earth colors
Flowers - violet, poppy
Metal - copper
Lucky #'s - 6,4
Virtues - endurance, stability, harmonious disposition, ferocious willpower and loyalty to family and friends
Negative traits - rigidity, stubbornness, possessive/materialistic
Celebrities - Catherine the Great, Orson Wells, Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, Leonardo da Vinci
George Clooney, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Harvey Keitel, Dennis Hopper.

1/7/12

1/7/12

I like to eat, drink, and smoke.

I stick stickers and burn candles.

I wear and patch holes in my jeans.

I rock Vans till they shred.

I use tools and people for what they were design for... and beyond

I am not a reservationist nor a conservative.

I am a consumer.

1/7/12

Every fall I plant bulbs on Sugar's grave in Teresa's back yard.

It's in a spot on the edge of the yard next to the garden shed

which she shares with Bonnie

a cat who passed not too long after lil Shuggs.

It's been two autumns.

There's got to be over 100 daffodil bulbs in there.

This year I also planted purply-indigo 'Blue Moon' tulips.

I hope the squirrels don't dig them up and eat them.

RIP Sugar and Bonnie.

1/7/12

Today a coworker asked me if I had a garden when the subject heirloom tomatoes came up... knowing I really don't have my 'own' space.

It struck me as preposterous...'Do I have a garden !?!'.

It's impossible for me not to.

No matter if I have a yard or not, wherever I spend my time will be a garden.

I thank the universe for this one positive, amazing, and healing habit.

A gift synonymous with passion.

1/6/12

1/6/12

Back from the hiatus. Back with a new mission.

September was the last time I wrote and the passed three months have been full of predictable decisions and unforeseen changes.

I ended my 'Growing Season in Phoenicia' early in October and said goodbye to my fantastic garden and new friends.

I booked a flight to Seattle to find out once and for all if my old love and had anything left... if there was any love left in my heart (or enough insanity still left in my mind) to make a relationship with him work.

I believe I knew the answer all along, but I needed to officially close the door. The finale. This seemed impossible to do over the phone.

Three weeks later I was back in the east, staying with my friend in NJ, and working a rad job with plants. I think my window of opportunity was open and just waiting for me to shut the front door.

1/6/12

During the last 8 years, I have moved every two. Started over, usually out of state. A new job. A new set of roads. A new beginning. Semi-nomadic. Gypsy-like.

I don't believe I enjoy it necessarily, at least, not so much as I did in my more youthful days.

I do love and require new situations and places. Exploring. Learning. Making it my town.

But at times I feel like a transient.

My life really can be packed up and shipped for about $100.

Low in the material possessions department which would be great if I was walking the Buddhist path or traveling the world, neither of which I'm currently undertaking.

I long for 'stuff'. I want sweet vintage furniture and my grandma's collectables.

I want windows turned into jungles by crowded houseplants.

I want two dogs.

I want my bed and a kick-ass teapot.

I want a place to call my own.

No one's fault but my own that I don't have these things yet...or gave them up ( I will never sell my records again!). Years spent living in destructive relationships and horrible decision making put me here. Poor and couch-surfing between a friend's and my brothers'.

It could be much worse. After all I wouldn't want to spend my time with any other people; and I am not on the streets. I still feel like a gypsy packing up my shit every few days to stay in my hometown during the workweek, and woodsy weekends up in the highlands.

I'm not complaining... really.

I'm just calculating the effect time has on resilience.

Patience is a big player in the equation.

Savin' the $ flow, so my roots can grow.

8/something/11

Last week the fruitarians held their first annual Woodstock Fruit festival here at Menla. 200 or so people, mostly camping, descended on the campus and brought 4 tons of fruit with them. For those who aren't familiar with fruitarians, they are people who just eat fruit. No beans, nuts, or seeds- just raw fruit and vegetables. I know, I know... How do they survive on just fruit? They eat all day. They carry large wooden bowls or a half of a watermelon full of fruit and are juicing, and slurping fruit every moment they have.
The festival consisted of lectures and testimonials by doctors and fellow fruits who swear eating a raw diet all but saved their lives. Illnesses were removed and minds sharpened. There were soccer games, races, jogs, bike tours, hikes, and even a dance. I swore next thing we new they'd be flying around. These were the most fit, active, and energized collective of people I'd ever witnessed. Like a triathlon day camp. Trim & tan; nothing extra. You saw it because they wore as little clothing as possible and were constantly jogging from place to place.
Their 'kitchen' was set up in our dining hall. Cases and cases of fruit crowded the floor like box cars at the train yard. Long tables set up with cutting boards & cleavers and an army of juice machines. Just outside was a wash station (because fruit is messy and sticky... and should always be washed first!) and the compost depot consisting of several Rubbermaid bins which were hauled off to the compost pile via golf cart when full, with back to back trips at meal times.
Think of any and every fruit you know and add 20 more different varieties you've never tried. Fruit was reppin' something serious. They made salads and juice, raw soup and pasta out of zucchini. Most of the time they just ate massive bowls of fresh cut fruit.
I will say they were slightly intimidating lean, mean exercise machines. Just eating cooked vegetarian food in their presence made you feel like a sinner. Forget about a steak and a smoke.
The fruits came from all over the world to attend; Australia, Europe, Seattle; one dude bike fom Cali. They were like a carnival; bright colors, energy, movement. all that was missing was the big top. They were all actually really nice people, a little spaced out- illated- but definitely kind. One guy could read auras. Another took a 'beautiful mental picture' of me carrying produce from the garden.
Except for that one fruit...
The guy who tripped out, gashed his forehead, and started harassing women. This all happened just before he had a mental breakdown, became a danger to others, and was ER'd to the psych ward. Not sure if he had a previous mental condition and forget to take his meds or he ate some shrooms and just couldn't hang.
They were here for a week, most camped though it rained 5 out of 7 days. One of those days I think it rained 9 inches. The fruits were hardcore!
There were uys who would pass the garden and almost pop wood if they saw me harvesting. I figured they were either turned on by my zucchini or they prospect of having a gardener as a girlfriend.
They swam in the 55 degree pond out front and hula hooped for hours. They walked a tightrope and participated in the sweatlodge. Two people even took a hike in nothing but jogging gear, got lost, and spent the night on the mountain till dawn. Let me just tell ya'll the woods are dark up here, real dark and pretty chilly now too. Not to mention bears and such who would probably be attracted to them because they smell like fruit.
Four box trucks packed with fruit were delivered during the week and unloaded onto a refrigerated rental. They were easy to manage as guests after we figured out system for composting the four tons of fruit.

My manager was constantly worried about the compost pile as if it were some impending doom like The Blob. The pile consists of a three sided fence and that's it. There's really no way of overfilling it by dumping 'too much compost'. It lives just over the edge of the woods behind the garden shed. The fruits piled it high and it immediately started to break down... because that's what compost does. Being mostly water, it melted into what looked like a homogeneous mound covered by a calico bedspread. The the wasps arrived by the hundreds and sucked up the seeping sugar water oozing from the edges of the pile. To know in a few months that will have turned to rich compost is amazing. The only gripe I have is the smell. Most composting smells don't bother me and I've smell some nasties. I mean they stink but so what. But it's the durian fruit's composting stench that triggers nausea.
Durian's a large spiky fruit form SE Asia which exudes a nasty sweet oniony sweat sock aroma when ripe. It's banned on airplanes and public transportation in some SE Asian cities. Of all the fruits the fruitarians consumed, the durian was their holy fruit, the most coveted. .. and they had cases of it! (I believe it is one of a few fruit that provide fats.) Crack it into segments with a cleaver and pry it apart revealing a custard-like fruit inside. Looked like a mass of melted white cheddar.
And yes I tasted it. Creamy sweet custard with a finish of garlic scallions. Something Oscar the grouch would love. I won't say it was bad or good, just strange and not my cup o' tea. It's rotting garbagey aroma is probably what tainted the flavor for me... and the taste lingered too long. I wiped my tongue with a paper towel and drank hot tea to cleanse my palate.

7/30/11

I wrote this when drunk & rocking out in July. Doesn't make it false just a lil' sloppy and dated.


7/30/11
Dear Summer,
I've been thinking , in & out, on & off, about when you were visiting we spoke of your music as metal and you said no. It honestly surprised me you didn't see it as such. Metal in definition to me is electrified thunder best played loud, that takes you on a journey, it prepares you for battle, and gives offerings to the universe. This journey creates distinction and separation from punk. And the more I listen to your music, the most I am convinced that it is most definitely metal. Sweet & healing, the most beautiful metal. Up here at the elitist healing retreat people go to great lengths and pay top dollar for a weekend of healing whether it be sight, body, or sound. All I have to do is plug in my ipod. There's something about your combination of scale, rhythm, and epic storytelling that works in me like good medicine. I never get tired of it. It tells a dufferent story every time I listen to it. Whatever the epic, I always feel assured, boosted even, at home, & at times triumphant. Thank you for your gift.
Karin

7/20/11 - 7/27/11

7/20/11

Sunflowers 10' tall & counting.

I bit my half broken pinky nail the other day, you know, to even out the jagged edge... and it chipped my front tooth.
The tooth had been repaired 17 years ago after a previous accident in the lot at a Dead show at Giants stadium when after doing a nitrous balloon, I fell face forward and hit the side mirror of a parked car... with my front tooth.

I'm all hill billy now. Kevin says it adds character. Trying to figure out whether I should get it fixed again with porcelain (or whatever they use...) or to go for something gold...

7/27/11

Reading through my past entries, which I almost never do, I noticed what a whiner I am.
Maybe not a whiner, but definitely showing a lack of confidence in my abilities to get a grip on life. Not feeling strong enough to deal with problems & accumulating a heavy load of 'what if?' stress. Fuck those times. In a moment of desperation I asked the universe for strength and it gave it to me. I feel empowered and certain of my future now, not unsure and scared. Like a complete turn around. Like sun shining through the clouds. (Is this what antidepressants do?) I feel like I've earned some more of the necessary tools to deal with what life throws at me; or more correctly,, what I bring on myself. The difficult part now it to remember them; ingrain them into my life so that I create what I want for myself by focusing on what I want and not what I don't. I think therefore I am.

7/17/11

7/17/11

I need a raise in pay... or I deserve a raise in pay. I know I cam here understanding that I would not be paid what I was worth, but instead a trade for food, lodging, and pocket $. I don't like not getting paid what I am worth... but it is a 'place of healing' in the woods, so I guess that should make up for my brokeness. But it doesn't. Watching the sunset on a rooftop in the city is pretty healing also. The freedom of my job could make up for a chunk of the imbalance in my work/pay.
I'm still asking for a raise.
I also need a wide brimmed hat.
I love armor-all tires!



7/19/11

I'm up at dawn today. Fell asleep at like 8:30 last night. Still got 9 hours in. It's so still, just the tweeting of birds in the distance, but not in sight.
Whenever I am awake this early I expect a bear to walk up on me while I'm drinking coffee on the porch. I'd hope to hear him crunching leaves and sticks on his way over; because they are so big. But I remember them being pretty silent... just kind of appearing when I've seen them in the past.
I was just inside brewing another cup when Mickey the Red came to the sliding door. He looked like he was casing the joint; likely since I had just collected the trash and set it near the door... on the inside. The slider was open like a inch, enough space to let whatever trash smell waft out but not open enough to let him squeeze in.
Usually the contents of the trash is uneventful; I compost and we rarely throe food away. But this morning there are old meatballs in the trash.
After he checks the door I hear scraping on the roof and he appears, standing on the edge of the roll-out window which he accessed from the gutter! Lil freakin' acrobat! he's balanced and trying the screen for anyway to get in! Lil' sneaky devil! And he knows I'm standing right there!
I knew that red squirrels were omnivorous, but I didn't know they ate trash until a couple of weeks ago when I left a bag of garbage on the porch and within minutes two reds were dragging lasagna layers down the stairs. I've also watched them dive in the big dumpster near the kitchen, as well as the recycle bin. Little red scavengers. I'm sure they'll get my meatballs after I throw my bag in the big dumpster. Lil cow eaters!

7/13/11

The garden is absolutely beautiful right now. Some of the best work I have ever done.
Aside from the beetle attacks which seemed to come in waves (squash beetle, potato beetle, & now Japanese beetle), everything is growing astronomically and are now putting out flowers and fruits. Zucchini are raging and the peas and beans are forming pods.
All of the squash and melons are producing those beautiful golden sherbet colored blooms.
The carrots are so perfect & delicious and a wave of beets is ready for pulling.
The calalloo needs harvesting t thin the patch and the herbs & greens need biweekly cutting.
The aster family are booming in 4-5 different colors: pink echinacea, yellow black eyed susans, and a crazy brown/orange/purple molted variety of coneflower.
Black hollyhocks are my favorite.
Lavender, yarrow, daisies, & day lilies; all great for cutting.
Word all over town is I'm the best gardener they've ever had here.
Hee-yah!

7/10/11 - 7/12/11

7/10/11

You know when the pressure gets so hard,
so stressed, full of worry about the future?
Cracking and hard to breathe?
And the the levee breaks
and the flood waters come rushing.
Just like that.
I love that moment.
And it's now.


7/12/11

After work I tanned and swam at the pool in a homemade bathing suit.
I was fully equipped with hat, shades, a book, two silos, and a couple of smokes.
Felt great for the short time I spent chillin' after I had sweated all day at work,
in the garden... adjacent to the pool.

7/9/11

There are many mornings when I have just-before-dawn nightmares. They are thoughts - indecision- about things that go on in my real waking life, that flood my unconscious during the light sleep just before waking. I drift in and out from like 4:30 - 6:30 am and I hate it.
I start my day like a never ending yesterday. I don't get to feel the dawning of a new day when these morning nightmares occur. I feel empty and hopeless. Kinda sad. Sometimes I cry.
I question if I am bipolar and need medication. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling listening to the birds welcome the day and convincing myself of all that I have is much more than what I don't.
But how did I get myself here? No house or car of my own, both borrowed, a stipend job with no security, and an empty bank account. No person to love. Not even a pet. Alone.
I get out of bed, make a cup of rose tulsi tea, and go outside. It's a beautiful day. Clear blue skies in a forested valley. Not a bad place to be at all. My day will consist of working in the garden (which is growing pretty successfully I must say).
I am healthy and have family and dear friends less than two hours away. I have people who truly love me. It's summer and things are alive and happening all around. Ture reasons why I wish I felt blessed more often or at least wouldn't have to convince myself that my life is not a failure and I am not a big fat loser.
Bad decision making is only valid in retrospect. I think I weigh options pretty well when it comes to making life changing decisions. I thought I was choosing what was best, but I definitely don't feel that way. Will I ever learn to be happy or always just want more? I guess it just a blance between the two.

7/9/11

7/9/11

Food I grew this summer in no particular order...

• squashes:butternut, kabocha, honeyboat, delicata, Long Island cheese pumpkin, spaghetti, crookneck, yellow, zuchinni, patty-pan, loofa, & jack-o-lantern.
• various varieties of beets, turnips, carrots, radishes, potatoes, daikon, & Walla Walla onions
  
• lemon & pickling cucumbers & musk melons
  
• sweet corns and Indian corns
• cherry, Roma, & heirloom tomatoes
• spinach, callaloo, collards, kale, napa cabbage, chard, mizuna, & 3 kinds o' mustard greens
• a dozen varieties of pole and bush beans, edamame, snow peas, sweet peas, & scarlet runners
  
• peppers: sweets, bells, cayenne, Caribbean red & chocolate habanero, jalepeno, Thai chile, poblano, & serrano

• 5 kinds o' basil, 3 kinds o' thyme, dill, lavender, sage, lovage, sorrel, mints, chives, cilantro, parsley... rosemary was missing

• horseradish, asparagus, rhubarb, strawberries, raspberries
  

Flowers I grew... of which many you can eat:

sunflowers, black eyed susans, monarda, zinnia, cosmos, echinacheas, & shasta daisies

• oriental, asiatic, & day lilies, daffodils, blue bells, peonies, & gladiolas
  
• millions of marigolds!
• rugosa roses, nasturtium, lupines, violas, columbine, dahlias, datura, hollyhock, & blue slavia
• calendula, borage, comfrey, feverfew, nettles, yarrow, & mullein
  
• eucalyptus, scented geraniums, ipomea batatas, cobaea scandens, marijuana, & opium poppies
  
• verbena, petunias, bacopa, impatience, pelargonium, aster, portulaca, & sedums

Hope I didn't forget anybody...

7/4/11 - 7/8/11

7/4/11
A rainy morning 4th of July. Fog in the valley with sun slowly burning through. Yesterday was torrential. I pray for sun. My garden is magnificent but could use a steady three days of good weather.
Friday my younger brother came up and spent the night. We had a lot of laughs. Laughed till it hurt. Friday he arrived around 8 so we went downtown to get some food and drink, came home and laughed until I started nodding out from fatigue. He took this opportunity to clown me as I spoke in random thoughts every 30 seconds... in between falling asleep. He said I made no sense and talked crazy shit. Funny thing is that he's done the same thing with me once. Back in WA, when he was visiting and had taken allergy pills that caused him to drift in and out of consciousness. We were having a conversation and he was saying the most illogical things. Then I knew he was all narcoleptic. So I asked him all kinds of testy questions and got the most insane answers. Hilarious!
Seems to be that it runs in the family. Dad, the two brothers, and myself can't make it through a movie. Food + couch + TV = sleep. We hiked a semi-marked trail on the west side of the valley, an area I've wanted to explore since I've been here. It was awesome! So many creeks! I continuously looked for good rocks to cross the creek by. Waterfalls and springs led us back over the other side and we looped around, back up to the east side , spotting tiny bright orange and yellow shrooms all the way. Nothing edible and if so, not choice, but very illuminating and cute.
Starving we headed back to 'campus' and decided to get burgers in Phoenicia. Afterwards we shared a beer at the river and gasped for breath laughing, watching the dozens of people tubing get stuck, their tubes stuck in an outcrop of rock. Our stomachs hurt. We likely cried and peed a bit in our pants. Good times.
Last Sunday I earned some extra cash planting, pruning, and weeding in Uma's mom's yard. It was a great time hanging out with her and the pups. We had an awesome lunch of salad from the garden & toast topped with parmesan and prosciutto. Some of my favorites. She also made an awesome cup o' tea. Some kind of vanilla rooibos chai with a touch of cream. Yummy like dessert.
On the way home the El Camino overheated and I pulled over and saw a spittering leak in the radiator. I topped it off and got it home. Monday I went to gettin' it fixed. I don't recall ever replacing a radiator, but I knew I could do it myself, maybe with a little help. I popped the hood and saw it wa just a few bolts and a couple of hose clamps... plenty of room to work... ahhh, old American cars... you could lay down in the empty space under the hood. I mentioned it to a few guys that work here- maintenance dude for tools in the shop, kitchen dude to see if they'd offer muscle. No one offered help. Not because they didn't want to I suppose, but because they had no idea what was under the hood. Wow.. seems sad in my book. I may not need a man to fix my car, but I rely on them for advice. To reinforce that I've got it right.
By Monday evening at 6 I had the car in the shop and went to scavenging a catastrophe of a shop for the right wrenches and sockets. Amazing I found everything I needed and had the new radiator in by 8. Woo-hoo!

7/8/11
Honeybees showed up
Watched a male hummingbird drink from a pea blossom
Sunflowers 6' & up
Tomatoes chest high
Corn 5'
Kale & collards 8th harvest

6/24/11

6/24/11
I'm not too sure how much more of this I can take. Of what? Of the decision making and the pressures that build. I have a short list of serious problems all of which I can remedy with patience, time, and strength. Each one's final decision will change my life in a major way,, but to make the best choice is the painstaking part. Two days off with no where to go except in my own head has left me exhausted and still I feel at a loss. I know when I feel like this the anvil is hot and ready to strike. The pressure will build and when I'm about to lose it, the levee will break and the answers will come.

6/20/11

6/20/11
I've been waking up in the middle of the night pretty regular lately
I don't like it at all
Sometimes it's a mosquito
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes I have to pee
I feel wide awake and lay there wondering how I'm going to fall back asleep
Funny thing is that if I just closed my eyes I'd probably just drift off
But it doesn't feel like it so I turn the light on and stare at the ceiling
And hunt the mosquito when he flies near the light
If I actually sleep through the night, every bird in town gathers outside my window at dawn
And if the window's open, it's like being awoken by a symphony
just more psychedelic for lack of a better word
Listen to me complain about about birds
It's just that they rob me of a couple hours every day.

kmtorpay's photostream

6/9/11
Though this 'log's (I dislike the word blog) called 'A Growing Season in Phoenicia' I haven't shown much of what I'm actually growing. Here are pics of my world. Evolution of the garden from April to June. Hee-yah!

kmtorpay's photostream on Flickr.

6/14/11 - 6/18/11

6/14/11
I need to get off the property. Living and working in the same place basically makes it so that I never really 'go home' from work. For a while now going downtown to the local restaurant/bar has been escape enough, but I tend to drink more than I 'd like to. If I stay up here at the cabin with no source of music, no housemate, and limited movies... I'm stir crazy. I really just want to explore the woods but feel incomplete ans unsettled without a dog, especially because the trails are made by deer, not people. Sounds chicken and retarded but it's true. I want to forage for rare plants and mushrooms but would really love a companion. If I could just borrow someone's dog I'd feel OK. I've been lost off trail bushwhacking and rested assured when I can just follow my dog whether or not they have any idea which way is the right way. Not to mention athat I like to walk solo in the woods... without other humans. A walk clears my mind, keeps it moving. I find that when I sit and think by myself my mind has more of a tendency to work in circles. I tend to stress out and worry. I think about work too much, all the things I have to do. At night I sometimes even have nightmares, waking in the middle of the night panicked because I need to harvest the cilantro before it goes to seed. Silliness.



6/18/11
I spent 3 much needed days in Jersey. I was supposed to stay only 2 days but I just didn't want to leave. I stayed at my friend Teresa's house. If we were in still in 5th grade I'd call here my BFF but I like to refer to her as my favorite person now that we're grown and have known each other for over 25 years. She's like mu other half. A soul mate of friends. We can't really seem to be mad at each other. There's no conflict ever and she makes me feel normal. She's the only person who doesn't have a problem with how I live or decisions I make. She tolerates me and accepts me for whoever I am and I do the same with her. She's silly and crazy so very caring. I love her! I spend my time in NJ with her. She actually had a lighter work schedule this week so we got to spend more time together doing stuff. Going out to breakfast, planting flowers,... the dog park. I love spending time at her house even when she has to work. It's homey and comfortable and she has great fuzzy pets.

















While I was there I found myself looking on Petfinder and sent an email about adopting a puppy- a Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever/ Golden mix... a little girl. Exactly the knid of dog I would like to own next. She looks like a little bear! I approached my boss about getting a dog a couple of months ago and she indirectly, meaning through somebody else, told me no. Not because of anything involving me, but because the neighbors have an unruly dog that barks all day, runs away, and nips at people. They're afraid that if I had a dog their dog would behave worst. It isn't my problem that they don't control him. No dog of mine would act that badly. I believe pets are supposed to make your life better, not more stressful.

6/5/11

6/5/11
A few weeks ago I posted a couple of songs by the band Baroness when I was writing about loud heavy music and church. Somehow the bassist of said band read my blog and liked my style or writing calling it 'rude yet gentle', a top compliment to me. He was looking for a sweet place to go camping and Phoenicia seemed ideal. So last week he came up. He traded me sweet merch (including swamp green vinyl pressing of their first and second albums, named 'First' and "Second'.) for information about the area. I would have been happy to just to have met with him, yet the gifts were an awesome bonus. He camped and we hung out at my cabin. We got along really well. It seemed like I'd known him in a time before. We shared similar quirky thoughts, he was one of those people you meet that are few and far between; someone you meet and you don't have to try to get along with. It's just easy.
The irony is that he came up here to camp, but also wanted to meet the person who wrote my blog, extremely flattering. Yet normally it's the fan who'd love to meet the musician. No doubt I wanted to , but not entirely realistic that I might send him and email and pay him a visit. I was lucky.
After all that's been serendipitous or magical or good luck around here, this was the crescendo. growing up a rocker chick I would have gone to great lengths to meet a musician I admired. Being a teen fan with an intensity comparable to those screaming Beatles girls, if he would have paid a visit then, I'd have died from anticipation. But I'm glad that I'm not that young nor that crazy anymore because hanging with this 'rock star' was just like hanging out with any other supercool person. It was rad. We also share the same birthday, May 14th. It's got to have some kind of relevant cosmic meaning, they are such rarities. May 14 was also the day I returned his email. A holiday for sure.

6/2/11

6/2/11
After all that rain I complained about last month, the sun came out and hatched a running series of buzzing bloodsucking relentless insect monsters. First were the May flies, appropriately named, who are large enough to see coming and slow enough to slap and kill. Though if they do get a bite in it will swell and itch for days.
While the May flies were still present, Memorial Day weekend brought the no-see-ums by the millions. They just spontaneously came to life out of thin air, assuming so because they are also appropriately named. Little bastards can sneak through the holes in the screens! There's no hiding from them. Since they arrived in such great numbers I had no defense and was welted from their attacks. They also itched something serious. I think they get trapped in my afro and bite my head.
This week the infamous mosquitoes came to town and brought their shade loving friends, the loud big black flies. They may not suck blood but they love to vomit and suck your skin when you are sweaty.
To defend myself from constant bombardment I stock an arsenal of repellent. Natural, almost natural, not-so-natural, and death in a can. I start with the least toxic and graduate up the scale of toxicity hoping not to reach level 4, the 30 deet. I burn citronella on my porch and carry one of those clip-ons that seems to do nothing unless you're sitting completely still. lately my skin has been covered in a cocktail of sunblock, bug spray, sweat, and dirt. Talk about being uncomfortable in my own skin.
Maybe I should invest in some long sleeve cotton or start eating raw onions and garlic. Maybe make a juice from them and spray that on my skin. These bugs coupled with the high temps and humidity is a major reason why I lived west and also why I never wanted to visit the east in the summer.

6/1/11

6/1/11
Last February I noticed that it was a bad luck month for me. Not just 2011, but at least a couple of February's of the past also. Feb 6th seems to be an especially difficult day, even though it's B. Marley's b-day. I remember it as bad luck because it's usually the day I have had enough (of relationships, jobs, my car, crazy landlords) & I quit. It's a day of ending and in retrospect, always the birthing of something new.
Memorial Day weekend has played itself to be a good luck day and the month of May in total seems to bring great things. sunshine, flowers, family, friends,... and my birthday. In the last two weeks I have spent more time with people I'm either related to or relate to , than I have since childhood. Likely about 25 years.
On the day of reckoning my cousin go married. May 21st turned out to be a day of great expectations between the marriage of two people and the predicted apocalypse on the schedule. I hadn't been to a wedding or family function for that matter since I was just a wee small puff. Though I don't remember, I know I was there from photos. All the uncles and aunts were at the wedding as they were in the 80's family photos and my brother and I were again the only brown folks there. Of no matter, just something we realize when in large congregations of people; something to laugh about.
Lil' bro and I actually missed the ceremony (we were 15 minutes late) but did drive through the squall of a downpour that rolled through while the bride and groom were exchanging vows. A purifying blessing of water from above. Good luck right? I think so.
The wedding was beautiful and it was awesome to see the folks I'm related to and the funny thing is that even after not seeing most of them for over 20 years, outside of the graying hairs and round tummies, everyone looked exactly the same! Hardly aged. My cousin is from the Duff side (mom's) of the family. Not big huggers or dancers, but a kooky, hilarious, intelligent, and sarcastic clan that I'm glad to belong to.

The fun continued...

This past holiday weekend was the time which really should have been prophesy. A momentous couple of days in my life at least. Though the only way prophecies come true is if they aren't expected. Monumental events are never seen coming. They follow the black swan theory. If they are to happen they can not be envisioned. They must be kept a secret, never discovered in that ancient tomb, if they are to manifest. Though a prophecy attempts to predict the future, all that really matters is after the fact if it's fulfilled. My attempt to philosophize...
This weekend was like an aligning of distant stars when my all my siblings and fiance congregated here in the Catskills. The weather was a nasty hot humid mess welcomed after days of rain, but so very sweaty, especially when hiking. Saturday we walked the property and hiked one of the only marked trails on Menla's property. Though there were blue dots on the trees marking the trail, the path was nonexistent. Winter's melt and spring's rains washed out ant footpath that may have been. It was treacherous and I found it extremely difficult and unsatisfying having to climb up loose, unstable rocks covered in deep leaves. We never made it to the top.
Half way up I found a massive fruiting of oyster mushrooms. Fresh and pure white, like a lantern hanging on an old dead stump. I harvested maybe 5 lbs. and after convincing everyone to help me carry them down the mountain, made it back to the house and fried them up. Though scared of being poisoned or finding them disgusting, the family tried them and loved them! It was a great family moment harvesting choice mushrooms from the wild and eating them. A first but hopefully not a last.
We had not all been together since Dad's 60th birthday 5 years ago. I had an awesome time and am glad to be on the east coast closer to them and at a place where they can come and chill and nature out. "See ya next weekend!" hasn't been something I could say living out west, since my lil' bro was a pre-teen. Moving away when he was 12, I missed out on 1/2 of him growing up. Now we are buds.
My older bro is exactly that, the big brother. Though he may have cared for me growing up, (he's only a year older than me, almost to the day) he didn't really show it, neither did I. Now that we've made it out of crazy youth, I love hanging out with him. He's supportive and interested in me and my abilities. Feels good.
My sister is radiant as usual. beautiful, healthy, in shape, and happy! She always makes me feel so loved and seems so happy to see me. Zach, her fiance, is rad. he's smart, fun, and responsible... and he loves my sister. I'm really glad he'll be a part of the family... I think he kinda already is!
Now that they have all been here I expect they'll come back. I think this place is better than they had anticipated. Maybe later in the summer when the garden's bombastic and fantastic.

5/27/11

5/27/11

Two nights ago I witnessed the most spectacular thunder and light show of my life. The weather service issued a tornado warning for Phoenicia for late in the afternoon. Winds up to 60 mph, 1" hail, thunder, flash floods, and cloud-to-ground lightening. Sounds like what I thought the rapture would be like. I hear that if it did happen on May 21st as predicted, the apocalyptic epicenter was going to be somewhere in the Hudson Valley.) The warning was issued for 7-10 pm. A three hour window of prediction meant that was going to hit hard and fast. The weather had been unsettling, warm, humid, and that 'too calm' feeling; hot breezes would waft in. I've learned that severe weather follows. Just like the crazy gold color the sky turns right before a rainbow manifests from the clouds. (I always picture that color sky when I hear Bob Marley's 'Rainbow Country').
I went downtown to satisfy my craving for cheese fries w/ gravy and about an hour or so later while sitting on the patio, I heard a crack and rumble of thunder that stopped everyone in their tracks. I thought "I better get the hell outta here!" and ran for my car, which may not have been the best idea. (All I know is that tires are rubber and rubber is insulating. What would happen if a car was struck by lightening anyway?)
A sheet of a downpour hit, raindrops the size of of marbles, the lightening, and thunder waged a war of who-came-first. There was no counting Mississippi. The storm was right on top of us. It was like the 4th of July, the sky lit up with flashes so bright , strikes so powerful, there is no way they weren't touching ground. I began to see ghost flashes, trails of the last strikes while being bombarded by the next... and I was driving... very slowly. I made it home safely and went to bed feeling the thunder rumble through the ground. Like the man upstairs was clearing his throat, commanding the world's attention. I love storms like that. Sky shows are rare in the PNW even though it's known for rain, it's more like living in a constant fog.

5/23/11

5/23/11

I wish it would stop raining... I know it's needed to make the garden grow, but inly if followed by sun. At this point the week and a half of rain is just rotting my seeds. T-storms and upper 60's today but partly sunny 70-80's for the next two days. Hooray!

Later...
The sun came out something glorious today. A welcomed break after enduring 10 days of thunderstorms & torrential rains. A perfect car washing day... though I didn't get around to washing the El Camino. I could feel my seedlings sigh with relief for the sun and get to growing. I spent the day planting containers and window boxes with annual flowers. Though they are the short lived candy fluff of the plant world, they get the 'exploding color' job done.
Monday I'd gone shopping with Nena, Uma's mom, and had a blast! Though most employees here have a healthy fear of her, as I mentioned before, I see eye to eye with her and she likes my work. I've heard that past gardeners have not been trusted by Nena to do a good job, but I'm guessing she trusts my eye and my skills after seeing the work I've done in the garden so far. She let me know that she thought the garden was beautiful and thanked me; tow compliments rarely spoken by Nena. That's a big high 5 to me!
At the nursery we went aisle to aisle - annuals to veges to perennials to trees and shrubs - putting flat after flat on our carts of anything and everything that caught our eyes. I LOVE to plant shop! It really doesn't get any better. We ended up buying three, 3-tiered carts full of stuff plus a couple water lilies for the pond and some larger perennials.
I'm a pretty thrift gardener, knowing that harvesting from the wild (ferns, wildflowers, etc.) and dividing plants can save $ and fill a landscape for free. So when I have no budget like this day, I go crazy. We got spilling color with 5 types of petunias & calibrachoa, stature from snapdragons and 3 kinds of marigolds (I love orange flowers), and shade color with impatiens. (Yuck! Not my choice. I think they are the cheap hoes of the flower world.) We got trailers and fillers with lotus vine and black ipomoea batatas.
I dug ostrich ferns (ones who's fiddle heads are so tasty) from in front of one of the wooded cottages where I also spotted the elusive cobra lily (arisaema)... so cool! I planted the 3' tall ferns in stately planters framing the main entrance.
We also got an assortment of perennials to fill in gaps in the main flower beds in front of the same building. A couple of varieties of coreopsis, 'autumn joy' sedum, cranesbill, and a bad ass echinacea called 'hot papaya'. I filled in smaller areas in the back of the bed against the wall with cosmos and snapdragons nearer the foreground. Looks pimpin'!
Today I will finish planting the annual containers with the help of my assistant.* I think he'll be stoked to plant because he's been pulling weeds for days. I hope it doesn't rain.
I also harvested the comfrey, a plant ingredient in the compost tea I'm going to make. The recipe for tea calls for a combination of:

comfrey (Ca, K, P)
borage (vitamin C, K, Ca)
nettles (silica, Ca, also a compost accelerator)
alfalfa (N, P, K, S, Fe, Zn, & B... complete food)
Other plants such as yarrow and chamomile add nutrients too.
Good stuff! I put the comfrey in 5 gallon buckets, filled them with water, and weighted them down with a rock. It will quickly break down into a stinky slurry and I'll strain it and add some of this concentrate to my 55 gallon rain barrel. The other plants I'll dry and grind up then put in a muslin sack, like a giant T-bag, so that they steep but are easily removable. I'll put an aquarium bubbler in the bottom to aerate and add unsulfured molasses to feed the beneficial 'micro herd'. These are tiny organisms which help plants to fight diseases and pathogens and improve bad soil by supplying power to soil health. I'm excited to make my own plant food. It's inexpensive and harvested from the garden and surrounding woods. It's like mixing my own soil, it gives assurance to things working out well because I know exactly what's gone in. Not just the ingredients, but also the care and love to give them the best.

*Since I type my entries from my journal i am always a few days behind. Turns out having my assistant help with containers wasn't such a good idea. He can stick to pulling weeds.